I noticed on my Youtube channel a lot of guys have the spotlight effect when they approach women.

I thought I’d try and help out by offering practical advice to get over this here.

Here are some example comments from my Youtube Channel:

fear of being caught approaching women

Is The Spotlight Effect Ever Valid?

I think so.

If you live in a small town and you are spam approaching women, you will quickly get a bad reputation.

People might think you are odd or perhaps creepy.

I think this has some merit. A miscalibrated PUA numpty might say something like “who cares what people think bro, just approach”.

Or “this is a limiting belief”

This is bad advice. There can be social and professional repurcussions to odd or off key behaviour.

You don’t want to get a reputation for spam approaching the streets in your free time.

So What Can I Do About The Spotlight Effect?

Go To Your Nearest Decent Sized City And Approach

The first thing you can do is to address the problem directly by approaching in a larger city.

As I recount in my book Primal Seduction, when I was growing up I used to go to the nearest city to hunt women.

In my case this was Wolverhampton, then Birmingham.

You can do the same. If you live in a small town, go out at weekends or evenings and approach women there.

A good idea is to make a weekend of it by booking a cheap Airbnb or hotel for the weekend. It doesn’t need to be expensive.

If you have a fear of approaching women and getting caught, you need to desensitise yourself first.

me kiev

Me last year in Lviv. Old man Steve is TELLING you to approach!

How Approaching In A Bigger City Helps You

Most obviously, you no longer have to worry about friends or work colleagues seeing you.

Beyond that, there is a certain freedom to approaching women in a place where no one knows you.

You can decide to be a different person. It is a liberating feeling.

The shackles of your former identity can be thrown aside during this time. Over time, your old fearful identity will begin to fade..And you’ll be able to approach women much more easily.

If you still fear getting caught approaching women in a big city

I can tell you it is irrational until I am blue in the face. But some of you may still resist this homely advice.

If this is you, then I can only recommend that you start off gently.

Try going out and simply holding eye contact with women. There is surely NOTHING to fear now – anyone can do this.

Even on the odd 1/100000 chance that a work colleague happens to walk by whilst you do this (which they won’t), they will see nothing.

Check out this post which lays it all out for you:

When The Spotlight Effect Is Irrational

If you do not live in a small town, then worrying about being “caught” is irrational.

Firstly, the probabilty of anyone seeing you is very low.

Secondly, you have to understand that you are really doing nothing wrong. You are simply trying to meet a woman – there is nothing wrong with this.

I’d recommend trying my advice. Book a cheap hotel or Airnbnb and just try it.

My hometown! Nothing to approach here, I tell you!

Again, I would recommend you start off on the right foot.

If you start off by spam approaching, you are unlikely to succeed.

Here’s why:

Cold approaching women for an average guy is BRUTAL. The rejection rate is high and very tough on even the strongest mind.

There are very few men that can cope with it.

If you start off this way, you could well end up reinforcing the fear of approaching rather than desensitising yourself to it..

Which gives you even more of an excuse not to approach, regardless of whether anyone sees you.

If you read other blogs in this industry, you will notice lots of complaints about getting rejection after rejection.

You’ll notice the high attrition rate – guys dropping out from approaching and never doing it again.

This is a tragic waste of your life and will lead to a barren sexual future ahead of you. Not good!

The WAY You Approach Makes A Difference

Notice I mentioned that if your friends or work colleagues notice you spam approaching women, you may get a bad reputation.

This is key. Spam approaching women is exactly the kind of approach that can get you into trouble.

I have never recommended that. Instead, you can start by using my way of approaching which is much more socially intelligent and smooth.

Check out the excerpt below from my Secret Society video product where I talk about the 3 keys to successful cold approaching:


Unfortunately there is a little bit of research and practice you will need to do it correctly.

There are currently 6 articles on this site (each approximately 1500 words) which deal with this topic.

However I would recommend that you check out my Secret Society video product.

There is about 2 hours worth of step by step explanation on exactly how to approach properly, with a much lower chance of rejection…Or getting a bad reputation for spam approaching.

And a much higher chance of success.

It basically boils down to this:

  • Begin to notice that sex is everywhere, and women are throwing out signals that they are receptive to your approach.
  • Learning to spot these signals (increasing your awareness of IOIs)
  • Learning how to FORCE a signal from a girl so that she is less likely to reject you when you approach
  • “Smooth opening” – with a much lower rejection rate.
  • Learning social intelligence so you can pick out the kind of girls that are likely to be receptive to an approach
  • Creating sexual tension when you approach so that girls appreciate your approach, and are not creeped out.

And more.

My Secret Society Video Product (On 24 Hour Special Offer) – With A FREE Copy Of Primal Seduction!:


There are some circumstances when a fear of being busted approaching women is valid.

However it is rare.

Most likely, this is an irrational fear that you absolutely MUST come to grips with.

I’ve outlined in this article the best course of action.

Please do avoid spam approaching women – this is the very worst thing you can do and will end up causing you more fear.

If you’re ready to start getting over this fear, follow my advice and head to your nearest city.

Check out my Secret Society video product which tells you how to approach girls properly…Step by step.

Throw off your old identity and empower yourself today!

You really have nothing to lose by doing so.