Sexual Escalation : The Background
The concept of sexual escalation is completely misunderstood by most men and badly explained by the few that do understand it. So I am going to give you the simplest way to understand this using my traffic light system – Red, Yellow, and Green.
Red lights – she is actively saying no or moving away from you, or changing her body language away from you in subtle or overt ways. She is uncomfortable, or uninterested, or both.
Yellow lights – she is doing nothing to encourage you but (and this is the important bit!) equally she is doing nothing to discourage you. She is content to be a leaf in your wind and be swept along by you and is apparently comfortable doing so.
Green lights – she is giving you IOIs, escalating on you or actively encouraging you to move the interaction forward.
Most guys escalate on greens lights only which is escalating on validation (basically looking for subtle or overt permission from the girl that she likes him and wants him to do it).
This is by far the most common mistake that men make when trying to progress an interaction forward with a woman they are sexually interested in. It comes from a lack of experience of what women want and from low sexual self-esteem about their own attractiveness.
It is also part of a social construct most men are taught throughout their lives – “it is not okay to hit on women without their explicit permission because women find this offensive or socially unacceptable” which is a load of garbage.
What most men (who are good with women) do is escalate on yellow lights, which means escalating on compliance. Assume she is happy with the situation until told otherwise. Most normal men don’t escalate on yellow lights because they do not know how to read the signals women emit, which in this case is actually a lack of signal, specifically the lack of signals of negative interest or discomfort.
Women usually prefer to have pretty much zero input into moving a seduction forwards, preferring that the man takes the lead and thus all of the responsibility.
Leading the interaction
Women often use phrases such as swept off their feet, taken, led, and so on to convey this wish. Adopting the passive role allows women to not only gauge the man’s confidence and interest in them (which are by far the two most fundamental signs for a woman to judge a man’s sexual self-esteem and his prowess that he has gained from experience with women previously), but it also means they can back out at any stage if they change their minds and cannot be labeled as teases.
Furthermore, it means as they never overtly expressed an interest in moving it forward they can’t be labeled as sluts. Given this typology we need to recognise what colour the girl is signaling, and also how to turn a red light into a yellow or green light. The answer to this question is simple to understand but quite difficult to apply because it revolves around your frame and your sexual self-esteem.
To turn a red into something more favourable you have to impose your own strong frame that you are worthy and have the self-confidence to go after what you want without worrying about the consequences too much. In short it is a display of masculine intent and masculine polarity.
The best way to highlight this is to look at a specific example, so we can break down the otherwise subtle actions and reactions that occur in real time. For example’s sake, let’s look at the my kiss video from a street approach.
My Seduction Video Analysed
This section was taken from a private forum, hence the reference to me in the 3rd person.
When the video starts, Steve is walking up to and alongside the girl who notices him in her peripheral vision and takes a subtle turn away from him and keeps walking. I don’t blame her; I would walk away from Steve if I saw him coming towards me as well! Anyway, it’s a very subtle body shift, literally fractions of degrees to walk slightly around him.
As Steve continues to walk towards her and catch her attention, her avoidance becomes more pronounced until she almost walks into the wall by the shop front door. This is an initial red light. What is Steve’s response to this? Does he hesitate, pause, or give up? No, he pursues her until she nearly walks in to the wall. He sees her try to evade but in his mind he is going to speak to this girl.
Her subtle disinterest doesn’t faze him at all as he has the frame “this is okay, I am going to speak to her for at least a short while to see where this goes.” He then walks alongside her, as if invited, despite her continuing to walk forward apparently uninterested in speaking to him.
After no more than fifteen steps he turns on his heel, places his hand lightly on her arm to capture her attention and insists that she stop by assuming that she simply will.
She doesn’t even stop at that point and kind of blows him off! So, what does Steve do? He actually escalates slightly more and touches her upper thigh and (possibly, you can’t hear it in the video) comments on the length of her skirt or possibly tells her she has sexy legs.
This is a very forward and bold sexual movement towards a woman who is apparently blowing him off. Even then, she doesn’t stop! She continues to walk on for a couple more steps before Steve once again invades her personal space, this time in a less sexual way by attempting to ask her name and take her by the hand. Why does Steve do this? Well, there are two things:
When Steve touches her upper thigh, she breaks her stride for a half beat and slows down. The light just flickered from Red to Yellow. Not only did she not freak out at the escalation but she actually slowed down a little (instead of moving quicker which you would probably expect from a woman who feels sexually vulnerable or uncomfortable) which is all the indication Steve needed to know that she was comfortable enough.
The second reason is that he escalated/de-escalated on her by starting less sexual (a typical street stop by touching the arm), going more sexual (by touching her upper thigh uninvited), and the going less sexual (by taking her gently by the hand). This is a typical yet subtle version of the community concept of “two steps forward, one step back.”
So here we have two things going on – Steve is imposing a frame that this is okay in his reality and then using a learnable technique to push the interaction into being more invested.
He uses his psychological frame or reality, and he uses a tactic. The tactic would not work without the frame behind it giving himself permission to do it, and she wouldn’t be as accepting of it if he showed that he was nervous or ashamed of what he just did.
Now, she stops and opens up. We have a Yellow light in the form of her holding his hand until he lets go of hers. As the cameraman so creepily scans down her legs we also see that she ‘flutters’ them slightly.
This could be that she is cold. However, given the context and the fact Steve is not wearing a shirt we can probably deduce that it is not cold and she is in fact a little excited.
Besides, while Steve is using his truly basic Spanish to gain rapport and is struggling to finish a sentence she helpfully adds ‘bonita’ which is Spanish for beautiful. She is in effect finishing his direct opener for him in a way that is pleasing to her. She is now in his frame.
So Steve puts his hands on her shoulders and gives her a hug. Does she tense up, grimace, or try to step away from him? No, she does nothing at all, continues to smile and accepts his embrace. This is now a strong Yellow light. Remember, that if a woman doesn’t want you to touch her she will take action to stop it happening.
Women are not the scared little birds that many men seem to think they are. They are in fact quite capable of navigating social situations and particularly capable at halting the unwelcome advances from men they are not interested in.
Next, Steve asks what she is doing and she says she is meeting friends. There is a subtle pause as she calculates quickly whether there is enough interest on her part to warrant sticking around or blowing him off completely. She decides to stay and see what is happening and offers him a Green light – “Where are you from?” followed by another Green light by showing she is apparently impressed by him having been to Columbia and asking for more information (“when?”) so that the interaction can continue.
In contrast, a Red light would look like this: She would be pulling her body language away from him, not smiling, and wouldn’t be offering up any help at all in moving the interaction forward.
A Yellow light would be the body language she is displaying just now without asking questions or showing interest – she would simply be allowing him to do what is required to make the interaction continue.
Next, Steve asks her if she has a boyfriend after telling her he likes Colombian women “very much”, and she replies that she does not.
This is a perfect example of when a woman who is not interested at all would have simply said she had a boyfriend and quit the interaction. Next, there is another Green light when Steve says he doesn’t know her name, and she offers it up instantly and with a little laugh.
Think of the times when someone can’t remember your name and you thought it was funny as opposed to rude? Even the inflection in her voice (“JoooAANNA!”) swinging upwards is a subtle hint at interest and attraction. We are now in Green light territory, and she is opening up quickly.
Notice that this is just over one minute from the start of the interaction, when the light was Red. Later, there is some of Steve’s typical pick-up chat (which highlights that you don’t have to be smooth to get the ladies haha!) followed by a kiss that is perhaps not the smoothest escalation, but then again it is only three minutes into the interaction. And to be fair she starts kissing him right back and seems to get in to it for a bit.
All it took was some persistence and for him to continue to move slowly forward, accepting her objections, but not allowing them to take on any real weight. Had she been more adamant about the objection (Red light) Steve would have pulled back, but as she was only half-hearted with it he continued to move forward – slowly giving her time to be more clear if she truly didn’t want to kiss him.
That moment was a Yellow light, and he gave her the few seconds she needed to decide whether to give him the Red or Green light. So, that is just one video representation of the traffic light system in order to highlight a few small and subtle light changes throughout and interaction and to show you that when it comes to escalation you have to calibrate but that you do not always need an obvious Green light to progress a situation.
As I said before, if a woman doesn’t want you to continue she will make it very clear, and there will be no two ways about it.
One final thing I will say is that if you are still learning and are in any way unsure then you should always err on the side of caution and stop escalating. With time and practice comes experience and with experience comes the ability to spot ever more subtle light changes. Be patient when learning and do not rush this – nobody likes a rapist!
Did you like this post? If you want to know more about approaching women, getting them interested and meeting for dates, and potentially a sexual relationship, check out my 5 hour video series The Secret Society. I take you through everything you need to know about successfully approaching women you’ve never met.