Dominance is often associated with negative qualities of power and control, which leads some people to automatically assume that their understanding of ‘dominance’ the word is the correct interpretation. This is incorrect in most cases because of a simple quirk of understanding – dominance does not require an opposing element to work. By this, we mean that dominance does not require a dominant person and a submissive person, at least not two separate people.
Dominance itself is about asserting control, but it is not specific about what type of control or control over what – it simply means control. So what most people understand when they hear dominance (let’s call this biological entity dominance) is the power play between two animals, or for those with an understanding of BDSM, the power play between two partners where one is dominating the other. We must separate our understanding of the word from our understanding of the action associated with the word.
The word dominance itself is neither positive nor negative, it simply is, and much like a gun or a car it can be either positive or negative when it is used – but it all revolves around how it is used and its purpose for being used. There are two concepts that we need to understand. First, dominance of a person over his or her own reality (recall the strong identity cornerstone characteristic).
People have an internal and external reality that comes together to form a “super reality”, which creates their understanding of the world in real time. Think of it like two channels, one is input and one it output. Your mind holds a model that tells you what is and is used to predict or explain what is happening as it happens. The external reality is what is commonly called the real world and you interact with it through your “perception” and this gives your mind input through the senses.
This is the stimulus that creates change and feedback for the model in your mind. The internal reality is the model we mentioned a moment ago and is formed from past experience and a set of assumptions called certainties. (Recall the section on beliefs and how they inform your identity). This is the output channel, and it feeds your mind predictions of what will happen and explanations for what has already happened. With this in mind, we can start to discuss the concepts of hard and soft dominance.
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Hard dominance refers to the control people have over their own reality. Their own dominance over the process that goes on in their mind when they interact with the real world is the level of hard dominance they have. It is most accurately related to the amount they react to or are affected by the stimulus they receive from the real world. It is independent of other people they encounter or interact with however those people are still variables that form part of the stimulus from the real world.
People with a low level of hard dominance are often described as meek or easily-led due to the fact that their reality can often be changed by outside factors leading them to change their minds or go against what they actually believe. Someone with a high level of hard dominance will be less likely to change their mind unwillingly as they essentially have faith in their own decision making process and their understanding of a situation.
This is not to say that someone with a high level of hard dominance is incapable of changing their mind or being persuaded; it simply means that if they do change their mind, it is because they have chosen to rather than been coerced, forced or overwhelmed by another’s opinion. Hard dominance on its own, un-tempered by soft dominance, usually leads a person to be belligerent or overbearing. In the most extreme examples, it leads to things such as rape, or people such as Charles Manson. That is to say that someone with 100% hard dominance doesn’t consider other people at all and is what psychologists call completely internally referenced.
Meanwhile, soft dominance refers to how responsive a person is to other people’s realities. It can be equated with empathy and understanding, or responsiveness/ reactiveness, but those words do not accurately describe it. Soft dominance requires for a person to be in full control of their own reality and choose to alter their own behaviour in order to accommodate the other person within their own reality. This is why both empathy and responsiveness are similar terms to soft dominance, as you must be able to empathize with the other person in order to respond to their needs. This leads us to another distinction between hard dominance and soft dominance – hard dominance is much closer to a belief than a skill, whilst soft dominance is much closer to a skill than a belief.
However, hard dominance can be displayed or demonstrated as a behaviour whilst soft dominance can also be described using belief level terminology. In effect, they are both two sides of the same coin and share many properties. Everyone uses both hard and soft dominance in all their actions, and it could be said that hard dominance is a pro-active action, whilst soft dominance is a reactive action. Hard dominance is in play even when there are no other people involved in a decision, but soft dominance does require other people and their feelings to be involved in the decision making process. For example, you do not consider the feelings of a cheese sandwich when you decide to eat it (a hard dominant display), but you do consider the feelings (the reality) of your friends when you interact with them.
Furthermore, the immediate presence of other people is not required for soft dominance to be factored into the decision making process. For instance, if you are considering any action that could even potentially impact someone else you would still be practicing soft dominance. If you were thinking of moving houses (how would your friends or family feel if you moved away), or if you were crossing the road (you would need to consider the people driving).
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When it comes to inter-personal relationships, hard and soft dominance become more apparent. In any social situation, there is a hierarchy in place with one leader and at least one follower. In such situations, the person with the most dominant reality (i.e. the stronger control over their own reality) is usually the leader. However, if there are two people with similar levels of hard dominance then this is offset by the group decision of whom to follow which is most often determined by two factors: · the people in the group will decide who they each respect the most and think is the most qualified to follow in that particular moment, and the person with the highest level of soft dominance.
The reason soft dominance is important is because when they decide to follow someone they are essentially submitting to that person reality and thus need to feel comfortable and safe. Someone with a high level of soft dominance is more likely to lead with consideration to the groups requirements instead of simply doing whatever benefits themselves at the expense of the group. Depending on the level of investment required from the followers it will be more or less easy to get them to follow.
For example, in a restaurant when a waiter asks you to follow him to your table, you do so willingly and without much consideration. However, if someone asks you to follow them somewhere scary then the decision will require more thought on your part and more trust. If you relate this back to the cornerstone characteristic of “desire of loving women”, you will see the analogy. If you come from a position, from a bedrock of love and respect, you are thus displaying soft dominance i.e. you are coming from a good place, you mean her no harm, you are coming from a position of love. In the human mating process, hard and soft dominance becomes intricately linked to the dynamic between partners.
In every given social situation there is a hierarchy, and this also goes for an intimate relationship. Within a relationship there will still be a leader and a follower and whichever one is the leader is asking the other partner to step into their reality and submit to that person. It is here that soft dominance really takes on its most prominent role – in this scenario, at the highest level of investment, it is fundamental that the leader takes into account the followers wants, needs and comfort. As relationships are designed by nature to end in procreation and child rearing, we are talking about a long-term commitment and thus a long-term submission by one partner to another for the most important biological drive in living creatures – procreation.
This decision is never taken lightly and as such soft dominance is a fundamental requirement to having a long, happy, and mutually beneficial relationship. So how does this relate to the early stages of a seduction? Why do women respond to dominant behaviour? Why is it a turn on for women to submit? Think about it at a very basic level. Men have a penis which enters the vagina. It’s a penetrative act. As I write this in July of 2018, we are still mired in the Great Recession. Jobs are tough to come by. Cuts are being made. The assumptions that my generation held about the world are being tested. I have a sneaking suspicion things are going to get a whole lot worse throughout the world before they get better. Scary times.
A man has to face reality head on and deal with it, or perish. In times like these, when jobs are tough to come by, a man has to stand up and take on the world. It’s my view that this is an expression of dominance. In the same way his penis penetrates the woman, his masculinity penetrates the world. He has to carve his path in everything. Fight for his career, fight for his money, and fight for women, too. The mating game is fiercely competitive and on some level, without wishing to be crude about it, you could look at women as a commodity in the same way you could crude oil, base metals, etc. Dominant behaviours with women are an expression of self-mastery, and mastery of his immediate environment.
They hint at an underlying sexual confidence. A dominant man is decisive, strong, as well as being protective. Think about what behaviours like this show. · Competence in the world. Protection. Competence in bed, sexual prowess. · Dominant behaviour (hard dominance) shows self- possession and competence with other men. It shows social competence. Part of social competence is carving your own path, having your standards and boundaries, not being pushed around, and so on.
Remember, all of this is very quickly sub-communicated – and girls are looking out for it. When you show inklings of dominance to a woman, it hints at so many really powerful other attractive masculine characteristics, as well as displaying a high degree of social competence and general competence in dealing with the world and carving your own path.
To return to soft dominance though, it is the finely-judged and calibrated mixture of hard and soft dominance that is the key. Too much hard dominance,and you’ll create friction and resentment. (You’ll also regularly have guys wanting to beat the crap out of you). Too little hard dominance, and you’ll be limp-wristed and easily-led and will attract women even less.
You need to assiduously work on this to find the right balance. You need to be assertive, carve your path in the world, go for the women you want, be the rock, but at the same time don’t take any crap, don’t put her on a pedestal, fuck her well and often. In doing so, you’ll naturally transmit the killer combination of masculine hard and soft dominance, and become a whole lot more attractive, too.
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