Your ultimate guide to cold approach 2023 is here!
Here’s what you need to know about cold approach in 2023 on the street, in a bar or in the daytime.
These tactics work even better in 2023 than ever because women have become ever more aware of guys who spam approach and cause a nuisance.
If you follow this guide, you will never be lumped in with those guys, so you’ll be much more “under the radar” and effective.
For those who prefer video, watch this presentation on how to cold approach with 10 key tips and infield demonstrations!
I talk in the video about my Secret Society video series. Click the link to access if you want the full 8-hour video series.
🥰Example real-life cold approach pickup: Approaching a girl and getting her number
Let’s take an example of a successful approach. Here’s a short video of me approaching a girl on Oxford Street in London, UK and getting her number:
For more on improving your cold approach success rate, check out the linked article.
Basics of approaching a girl you don’t know
The first thing you need to be aware of when you start a conversation with a girl is that it doesn’t matter too much what you say.
Many men fall into this trap and obsess over what they will say when in reality the words are pretty much irrelevant. What is more important is that you create sexual tension – to avoid falling into the trap of boring nice guy.
You must also remember that when you approach her, you are taking up her time and she may well be initially unreceptive to you. So you must avoid bombarding her with questions initially.
You have to avoid being a boring nice guy!
You have to give value before she will open up to you. This means making it fun, interesting and charged with sexual undertones.
Without that, you are just some random guy who wants sex from her (believe me, she will know why you are approaching her!)
When you are new to this, it’s best to have a few pre–prepared lines ready in order to start a conversation. This is so you can focus on keeping calm, and not appearing nervous (because you already know what you will say).
Here are 3 different ways of approaching a girl and starting a conversation. I’ve also broken down when they are best employed, and given a couple of examples.
👧Ways Of Cold Approaching A Girl And Starting A Conversation
This is where you initiate a conversation with a woman by asking her opinion on something. It is best used in shopping malls when speaking to sales associates or possibly when approaching a group of girls at a bar. You could also try in the daytime, on the street.
Examples: Shop assistant. “Hey I am thinking about getting a new t-shirt…I was thinking of this one. Do you think it suits me?” ·
In daytime on street: “Hi! I’m testing out aftershaves and wondered if you could tell me which one do you think is better. (Offer both wrists so she can smell each wrist).” You’ll need to quickly transition away from this and start conveying some sexual intent.
In a bar: “Hey…I was just talking with my mate over there, and he says I look stupid in this new top. I reckon it’s because of my muscles, anyway what do you reckon? Do I look stupid?”
Approaching a girl at a bar
These are just humorous examples to show you what is possible and which environment they can conform to. When asking opinions be aware this is simply an “in” to the conversation and doesn’t count as hitting on the girl.
You’re looking to “ping” her for any flicker of interest upon the approach.
Start a conversation with an observation about something happening in the environment, or something relating to her (i.e. her clothing, watch, phone, etc.) It is best employed in a bar or nightclub.
Girl at a bar. You are standing at the bar and she is near to you. “Hey I just noticed your phone, very similar to mine (show her the phone). I’m Steve, by the way.”
Girl at a posh bar. “Why are all the men here dressed like polo players?”
Girl in a nightclub (surrounded by orbiting men who haven’t approached her). “I see you’ve got a bit of a fan club in here. Nice”
With this kind of opener you try to tap into the prevailing social conditions and make a pithy or witty observation. I often find it good to relate it to her, as women do like to talk about themselves!
Immediately verbalise your intent, usually by giving her a compliment. It is best suited for on the street, in a bar, in a nightclub….. anywhere really! · Street (daytime): “Hi, I just noticed you walking down the street and… had to come and talk to you. My name is Steve by the way.”
Smooth Opening And Approaching
This is my term for making things seem natural and normal that you would start the conversation with the girl, as if opening her is the obvious next step in that circumstance (rather than it being a bolt from the blue).
Most men prefer meeting girls in nightclubs and bars because it is a socially-approved venue and thus there are more ways to do this, as opposed to during the daytime where you are really forced to “manufacture” an open out of thin air.
The Golden Rule of Approaching A Girl And Starting A Conversation:
The first thirty seconds are both the most difficult and most important.
The thirty second window is where you are assessed and judged, where she forms an initial impression of you which will subsequently be hard to reverse. Give it your best shot to deliver an excellent impression.
Use all of the strategies below to do this.
Create Opportunities To Successfully Approach A Girl BEFORE You Approach
This is known as forcing IOI’s.
This is powerful because it allows you to increase your chance of successfully approaching her, and minimise your chance of rejection..Before you even open your mouth!
Here’s what you do:
As you walk around, imagine you have a radar attached to your head. This radar can be used to send out signals to women to assess if they might be interested in getting to know you.
This is called pinging (or forcing an IOI). You ping your radar signal out to women to get some kind of idea of how interested they are in you before you approach.
The girl of course has a receiver attached to her head.
As you ping her with your signal, she responds by sending her signal back to you by letting you know whether she would like you to approach her.
Part Of Approaching Successfully: Forcing IOI’s And Pinging
Now, there can be different strengths of signal. A 10 would be a very strong sign that she is interested in you, whereas a 1 would be very weak and open to misinterpretation.
You learn to calibrate that with experience of forcing IOI’s and then approaching.
Isn’t forcing IOI’s before approching too passive?
A common objection is that forcing IOI’s is passive. You are relying on the girl to give you an “in”
This is not true. There are a multitude of ways of forcing an IOI, none of which are passive.
The word “forcing” is key here – it’s an active process.
For more on forcing IOI’s check out this guide:
Develop A Warm Up Routine Before Approaching Girls
It’s usually a good idea to warm up before you approach.
The idea is to put yourself in the most confident frame of mind before you approach a girl.
You can do things like:
(i) Adjusting your body language to make yourself feel more confident.
(ii) Calming yourself down by breathing deeply and slowly, and slowing down your body movements. This has the effect of making you seem less nervous and jittery when you approach the girl.
(iii) Talking to a few people (not necessarily girls) as a “warm up” to get yourself in a more sociable frame of mind.
Here is my pre approach routine. Watch the video below.
Get Used To Prolonged Eye Contact From Girls
Before you can even learn how to approach a girl, you need to get used to making prolonged eye contact.
This opens up a whole new world of possibilities with women.
It gets you used to the idea that women are just as interested in meeting men as you are in meeting women.
They are just a little more subtle and socially intelligent about it…
But they do let you know that they are open to you approaching them.
Watch the video below for more:
😍The Key To A Successful Approach: Sexual Tension
Now we’re at the stage of actually approaching a girl.
We’ve attempted to make it as efficient as possible by minimising our chances of rejection by forcing IOI’s.
The absolute key to approaching a girl successfully is to focus on creating sexual tension.
Creating sexual tension when talking to a girl is the difference between her seeing you as a friendly guy who she would never dream of sleeping with…
And a guy who she might think sexually about. Perhaps even fantasise about.
Have a look at this diagram to understand more about sexual tension, and how it applies to understanding how to approach a girl successfully:
Sexual Tension : The Key To Approaching Women Successfully
Sexual tension is THE most powerful way to create attraction and intrigue when you approach a girl.
Here are some simple things you can do to start to try and create sexual tension yourself :
Let her know very quickly and directly that you are interested in her sexually.
You can do this by saying something like:
Hey, you know why I am interested in you right? I don’t want to be your friend.
Or by giving her a specific, direct compliment:
I liked the way you look. You have what I want in a girl.
I thought you looked nice..That’s why I came to talk to you.
It’s not so much the words, it’s more about the delivery of the words. You have to say it truthfully, with meaning and from your core.
And deliver it confidently and powerfully.
Typically, you would do this after about the first 30 seconds after approaching the girl.
This is because you have to let your nerves settle first. And let her relax a little too, and get used to the idea of being approached by a guy she doesn’t know.
Sexual Tension In Action!
Other Ways Of Creating Sexual Tension after approaching a girl
After approaching her and introducing yourself, you can do other things like:
Looking at her in a very bold confident way – almost insolent. This is why you have to start by getting used to prolonged eye contact from women.
Touching her confidently. This one is KEY to creating sexual tension.
This takes confidence and practice, but you can start off small with a gentle touch on the arm. Hold it there for a few seconds..Then let go.
This is enough to show her that you are interested.
Another way is to hold onto her hand a little bit longer than is necessary.
However you have to be careful with this because it can come across as creepy if you hang on like a limpet, with a damp fish hand.
Related : More on creating sexual tension
Sexual tension is like an invisible energy crackling between men and women. It ebbs and flows.
Sexual Energy Between Man And Woman
The secret is to learn to control and spike it when you approach a girl, to get her attracted to you and interested in you.
But equally, knowing how to read her feedback, so you know when to let it dissipate.
You might think that you just need to go crazy with sexual tension, and be like Pepe Le Pew..Always on, always pushing.
This would be just as bad as having no sexual tension at all. If you push too much you run the risk of frying her circuits, or scaring her off by coming across as too pushy and horny.
It’s an art form and comes with practice, and learning step by step.
Please see The Secret Society for a full breakdown of exactly how to create and manage sexual tension properly when you approach a girl.
Typical Results You Can Expect From Approaching Girls
Should you focus only on girls who give approach invitation signs, or IOIs?
Or should you be approaching girls without approach invitations, even if the girl has not noticed you?
Well, the answer is it depends.
Let’s break down the typical results you can expect from both:
Results From Approaching Women Off Approach Invitations / IOIs
Best case success rate : 1-3 – 1-10/15
Results from Approaching Women Without Approach Invitations
Best Case Success Rate : 1-4 – 1-20/25
Approaching Women Off Approach Invitations
First of all, let’s recap the two most common approach invitations that you’ll see when you go about your daily life:
1: Prolonged Eye Contact
Best case approach/lay ratio: 1 in 10
Otherwise known as “eye fucking“, this is the most common IOI or approach invitation that girls throw out.
If a girl gives you prolonged eye contact , then this is an absolute surefire sign that you should approach her. The probabilty of a successful result is increased dramatically if you approach only girls who give you strong eye contact.
2: Smiling at you
Best case approach / lay ratio : 1 in 10
The 2nd most common approach invitation. This is another strong signal that you should approach her. Very high likelihood of success.
Advantages of approaching off IOIs and approach invitations
The advantages are obvious. You will not get a better ROI from cold approaching than approaching off approach invitations.
This means that you can cut down on the grind of spam approaching and getting rejected, which is something most guys cannot stand for the long term. For more on managing approach anxiety, see this article.
The evidence for this is clear: the typical drop-off rate from daygame approaching (for example) is about 90%. Crazy high.
But the objection is also obvious: what if I don’t get IOIs or approach invitations? What do I do then?
Let’s tackle that now…
Most guys don’t notice approach invitations
It’s a fact that most guys who decide to learn how to pick up women lack in what I call Awareness. What this means is that miss obvious signs a girl is interested in them.
At it’s most extreme, a guy with low awareness would miss a girl wearing a T Shirt saying I want to date YOU (with their name on it), smiling at them, with prolonged eye contact and tongue hanging out.
Though this is a joke, I was amazed when I ran my live training sessions with guys and how often they would not notice even the most obvious approach invitations.
It’s one of the main reasons I devoted a section in my Secret Society video product to building your awareness and noticing IOIs.
So before you object that you don’t get IOIs, consider that you might infact be getting IOIs – but you don’t notice them.
Most Guys Don’t Force IOIs.
Now despite the fact that more men who decide to learn about attracting women are using my method of noticing IOIS and forcing IOIs, there are still relatively few guys who do it actively. There is still a lot of spam approaching and hope for the best approaches going on.
Forcing IOIs is an addition to your game because it allows you to capitalise on those girls who might be interested in you, but are perhaps too shy to throw out an approach invitation. They might also be in a bad mood at the moment when you see each other, so even though she likes you, she won’t give you an IOI.
If you force an IOI in a congruent way, it’s often a way of quickly changing her state and “jolting” her into giving you a little bit of human warmth.
Then you can more easily approach.
👁Summary: Approaching off Approach invitations and forced IOIS
So there’s the sort of results you can expect and advantages of approaching from approach invitations and forced IOIS.
Note that by using forced IOIs you can tackle the cases where shyer women, or women in a bad mood will not give out these kinds of flirting signals.
So you can widen the net by using the forcing IOI method.
Approaching Girls Without Approach Invitations
So when might you want to approach with no approach invitation, and what are the benefits of this kind of approach?
Firstly, you would approach without IOIs if the girl is in front of you or in general has not noticed you, for example on the other side of the street in a daygaming session. In those instances you have no option but to approach without an IOI.
The other time you would approach without an approach invitation is if you feel a very strong DNA pull toward the girl, or she is just so hot that you feel strongly compelled to approach.
This is where you will generally get the best results. There is some strange force at work in the universe that seems to draw girls towards you when you feel the strongest DNA tug. However, a caveat : this is true mostly for guys with some sexual experience who feel the DNA tug because they know their “type”.
It’s not as applicable to guys who are less sexually experienced who feel horny at the sight of any girl who is dressed in a sexy way or wearing a short skirt.
Cold approaching girls where you feel a powerful DNA tug is more likely to result in instant attraction, eye sparkling, and a positive reception from the girl.
So if you ever see a girl who you feel you MUST approach, even if you cannot explain why, then make sure you approach her. Your bodily instincts know more than your rational mind and they are telling you giving you a push to take action.
When you’ve got some sexual experience under your belt, it’s always wise to obey your gut instincts and the DNA tug.
The WORST Way To Approach A Girl
I hope you can see that this method of approaching girls is a powerful way of approaching women that minimises your chance of rejection and creates a powerful impression on her.
Let’s take a look at what most guys do when approaching a girl (if they do at all), and point out why it’s wrong:
Spam Approaching Girls
This is the no 1 mistake guys make when learning how to approach a girl.
Spam approaching involves running up to virtually every girl you see who has a head, two arms and legs and a pair of boobs…
And saying the same thing..Again and again.
There is no sincerity when telling a girl what you like about her. No specificity.
Typically a guy would say something like:
“Hey I just saw you and thought I’d say Hi. I’d be kicking myself if I didn’t say hello to you. You look French, with your crazy hair and dark eyes. I’m blah blah blah”
This spammy method is a typical way of daygame approaching and it’s just horrible.
NOTE: He would say that she looks French and has black hair to a 6″1 albino Swedish girl too..Or a 5″8 Nigerian with a huge bubble butt.
You Look French. No, Really. Are You French? WELL YOU LOOK FRENCH
It’s the equivalent of throwing muck at a wall and seeing what sticks.
Spam approaching is a dumb, low intelligence way of approaching for several reasons:
You’re basically just playing a numbers game…Without even giving yourself the best chance of success i.e. mechanical voice, not meaning what you say, not creating sexual tension, approaching girls without forcing IOI’s…
The girl can tell you don’t actually mean it. That’s why you’ll get reactions from girls like “how many other girls have you said this today?”
It isn’t good for your mental health either. It explains why about 95% of guys who start approaching girls drop out.
Conclusion: Approaching A Girl You Don’t Know
In 2023 it is imperative that you master the skill of approaching girls.
Tinder will not work out for the vast majority of guys. Online dating is no better.
Cold approaching a girl remains the no 1 way of attracting high quality women into your life.
But, it can be tough as we have seen.
This is quite a weighty article, with lots of links and things you need to think about before you can approach girls successfully.
🥰How To Cold Approach In 2023 And Get Sex – Fast!
This article serves as an introduction to cold-approaching girls in 2023.
I have put together a video series called the Secret Society, which delves into minute detail of every aspect of cold approaching girls.
I highly suggest you check it out if you’re at all serious about approaching women in 2023 and beyond.